ALL PUNS INTENDED...

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says, 'a beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'does this taste funny to you?’

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It’s true, no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can’t, I've cut your arms off!’

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, ‘Dam!’

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18 .A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. When she receives the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him…

(Oh, dear this is so bad, it's good…)

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

"doctor doctor im feeling a bit quincy."
"queasy?"
"i'm talking about human lives!"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says "Is this some kind of joke?"

doh LMAO

****Sorry about the asian jokes****

A bloke walks into a bar........ and says ouch!

What's the best thing about 26 year olds? ............. There's 20 of them!

What's the definition of a bar code............... an Ethiopian family portrait!

What do you call an asian inbetween 2 houses - Ali
and his brother.......... Jitti

What do you call the first ever asian in britain......... Amir

What do you call an asian on a tightrope......... Balan-sing

What do you call an asian who owns a hairdressers........... Ali-Baba

Whats the definition of cruelty? .......... Put a bomb on the back of a blokes wheelchair and shouting 'Leggit'

Whats pink green and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool......... A baby with burst armbands!!

LOL

Loving the baby one Webby.

What's the difference between a garage full of dead babies and a hole full of dead babies.......I don't have a garage.

Last night I slept like a log.....woke up in a fireplace.

Last night I slept like a baby......woke up covered in my own shit and vomit.

Here's a long-ish one.....
Blonde, Brunette and Redhead walk out of an office building together.
Looking down they spy a suspicious pool of liquid on the pavement.
Brunette looks down and says "that looks like sperm..."
Redhead, bending down and sniffing, says "that smells like sperm"
Blonde puts her finger in and takes a lick "no-one from our floor!!"

The Definition of 'In Agony' - A one armed man hanging off a cliff with itchy bollocks.

Tiger Woods... Wouldn't go there for a Picnic.

Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.

I've heard another version of that:

Man who wips bum with spice rack have shitty thyme.

This one doesn't read well, but if you say it aloud, it sounds better.

Man who cooks meat and peas in same pot is unhygenic.

GOD some of those are really bad LOL

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

What did the left nut say to the right nut?
The guy in the middle thinks he is so hard!

What do you call an anorexic with thrush?
A quarter pounder with cheese!

Why did the fish get kicked out of school?
Cause he was caught with seaweed.

WHAT DID THE GHOST SAY TO THE BEE?
BOO-BEE