some rather bad jokes

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it.
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
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I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
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i could go on all night but im not going to lol enjoy

Hehehe, some good ones there, mate.

made me and the missus chuckle, some top jokes there - cheers Rob

some good ones robski...

wish I could tell jokes...lol I'm terrible never get the pun right.

yeah they were funny mate lol

Paddy is walking down the street and see a building on fire, runs to the fire and looks up seeing people out the windows he shouts "jump and ill catch you."
So a women jumps and he catches her and man jumps and he catches him, then a black man jumps and hits the pavement...
Paddy looks up and shouts "Dont throw down the fucking burnt ones."

I laughed, sorry...

lol as did i n ill see if i can get some more jokes up here soon

3 of my fave jokes ever! Even though they may also be the worst.

Whilst dining at a resturaunt a man was choosing his Squid from the tank.
Finally he noticed a small mild-green coloured squid with a hairy protruding lip hiding at the bottom of the tank.
Having never seen a green squid before, he decided to choose it.
The waiter seemed horrified at his choice, in truth the squid had been passed up for so long by so many diners, they had all but adopted it as a mascot for the resturaunt. Never-the-less the creature was plucked from the tank and taken to the kitchen.

Gervaise, the cook took one look at the squid and it's hairy bottom lip and couldn't bring himself to kill it. He asked Hans the dishwasher to kill it for him.
Hans took the knife and and looked the squid in the eye for a moment. After a tense few seconds he put the knife down and declared that he didn't have it in him to murder such a pathetic animal.

The moral of the story?






Hans that does dishes is as soft as Gervaise, with mild-green, hairy-lipped squid







And No 2:

What's ET short for?





He's only got little legs!




And one More The Worst Joke In The World Ever:

Two biscuits walking down the road, one says to the other

"Where do you live?"

The which the other replies

"I'm not telling you, you'll nick my washing."