Todays Joke

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked
puzzled.

"Well" said the boy, "when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it right back up."

Some daft ones for today:

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light-bulb?

Just Juan....

How many binary mathematicians does it take to change a light-bulb?

Ten, one to hold the ladder and one to change the light-bulb.

How many gynecologists does it take to change a light-bulb?

Just the one but he has to do it through the letter box.

And finally....

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can go to sleep with a light on.

Daftness over......

Where do you find a dog with no legs?

Where you left it.

LOL to the first one

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

did u hear about the vegi canabul??

he only ate swedes

(bad i know)

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your bloddy beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?

i love ducks

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.



How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, but they are really one.



How many Christian Scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, but it takes at least one to to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.



How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to hold the bulb and 4 to rotate the room around him.



How many African dictators does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But he must first destroy the old one, including the fitting, the electrical utility, most of the infrastructure, then he must line his Swiss bank account with money which was to be used to buy new ones with, then have a civil war, destroy the economy, blame the West/colonialism/neighbouring countries and everybody else. By the time that has happened and the people are starving there is no electricity and everybody is using candles anyway.



How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution



How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? .
ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the lightbulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, find the lightbulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID lightbulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...



How many Romulans does it take to change a light bulb?
151. One to change the bulb and 150 to self-destruct the ship in disgrace.

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

our lass is getting all these from her friends with us getting married mostly having a pop a bloke lol

Some speccy little kid came up to me on the weekend and asked "what's your favourite Telly Tubby?"

I replied "Samsung, you rude little twat!" and punched him in the eye!

Must be tired,,, had to read that one twice!!!

LOL @ Lemony! Thats a good 'un!.

......True story......

I'd believe that.

what key opens any lock?

pikey!

Q. what file widens small holes.......
A. a peodopile

Dont call childline, im a decent father really!!!!

What's blue and fucks old people.....hypothermia.....

I have two kids but I couldn't help laughing at that one egofilter

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She
Asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'



******************************************
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."



******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
Bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
And whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 1 year replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband
Is out fishing in that?"



******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road
And slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
You just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
Well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY

!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"



*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3

Seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.



******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
Expensive...
So, I took her to a petrol station.


******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
To verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
Wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
To go home and come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my
Curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
Enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too.'


******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I
Kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
Nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
Drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
Hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
Celebrating that long?'


******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.

"I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."


******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

LOL some crackers in there, Mr. Dong. Something Shiny that goes from 0 - 150 in 3 seconds - Bathroom Scales...

Great jokes, I must remember to show them to the missus

Sorry Manu fans but what go's beep beep beep,

Man united open top bus reversing back in to the garage.

URGENT WELDER NEEDED TO WELD BACK ON TOP OF BUS IN MANCHESTER