Todays Joke

Dear The Nutcase who right hooked leona lewis at a book signing recently,

Please take note of the following events;

- Robbie williams book signing - 23rd October Waterstones Leeds

- Katie Price fan meet and greet - 3rd November Hmv Manchester

- James Blunt promoting new album - 15th November Hmv Milton Keynes


Also!! Only a British person would be so polite as to wait 5 hours in a queue to punch somebody.


I just saw the headline 'Pregnant Teen Dies After Catching Swine Flu' and yet in my mind it read
'Two Less Chavs On Benefits'.



Just saw one of those RED driving school ad's and I'm going to be a driving instructor to improve my sex life. We all know women can't drive, so they must be passing somehow.




One morning my hot 15 year-old sister came into my room crying. Dad had finally told her that her real parents were unknown - she was adopted.

I was a good big brother. I put a comforting arm around her, and told her that it doesn't matter, that we'll always love her, and that I thought she was the most wonderful sister in the world. Then, I dunno how it happened, but we kissed, and soon things got really passionate - clothes came off, and... we had the most amazing sex.

Sadly, it didn't last. After I came, I found out the condom had split. She started crying again, and I got the shakes. We went downstairs, hand in hand, to break the news to dad that his adopted daughter was probably pregnant.

I have never been less amused by the words "April Fools".




"Strap On" backwards is "No Parts"



Dyslexia certainly hasn't dented my mate's confidence. Just the other day, he went to see Lennox Lewis at a book signing, and he reckons he managed to take him down with just one punch.

Bloody love that Dyslexia one matey moo

Yeah thought I best put it in with the others or people might not get it

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She
heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want
off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who
are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The
horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay
there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two
hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with
his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For
those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

I used to go out with a girl with really bad eczema.


On the plus side she had cracking tits!

I was so excited to see that during the Olympics there was an event called the 'women's snatch'. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be a bunch of hairy Eastern European boilers lifting weights.

Still, a wank's a wank.



Last night Man Utd fans ransacked the away end at Barnsley, stealing cash from the till and food from the kiosks...

...and who says Man Utd fans aren't from Manchester?

man you should have seen the two Manc smackheads on the train from Chester yesterday seems they were having issues finding the Helsby stop and had spent the last 3 hours riding back and forth between Frodsham and Chester (Helsby by the way is the stop in between)

chuckled about that most of the way home yesterday afternoon

you can't make this stuff up