Todays Joke

Don't apologise - at least United had reason to get it out of the garage in the first place ;)

Confucius, he say: "Man who run behind car get exhausted. But man who run in front of car get tired"

how do you make love to a fat woman?

slap her real hard and ride the waves in!!
surfs up dude


a giant raided a police station but he only got away with a handfull of coppers.

What sits in the corner of the lounge and crackles?

Rod Hull’s television.

lmffao! now thats a fuckin winner

jr jones wrote:how do you make love to a fat woman?

slap her real hard and ride the waves in!!
surfs up dude


a giant raided a police station but he only got away with a handfull of coppers.

how do u get a fat girl into bed??

peace of cake

(this one is a little sick)

with all of brits being obease you have to feel sorry for the peedos, cos no one wants to fiddle a fatty

Man: Doctor! Doctor! I feel like I'm a pair of curtains!


Doctor: Don't be a cunt.

Bingo Fent wrote:Man: Doctor! Doctor! I feel like I'm a pair of curtains!


Doctor: Don't be a cunt.

dont get it mate???

FARTHERS DAY JOKE


Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

J D wrote:
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

So glad i didnt have a little girl

Marriage quotes 01

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

kermit1981 wrote:

J D wrote:
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

So glad i didnt have a little girl

So glad I've got 2

then then then then

Its the first day back after the holidays for the primary ones (first
graders), and the teacher decides to ask each of the children to tell a small
story about their fathers.
so the teacher points to little katy and asks, "katy, what does your daddy
work as?"
and katy replies "my daddy's an aircraft pilot, and he flies people all over
the world and makes them very happy."
the teacher then asks little david what his daddy does.
"my daddy is a postman, miss, and he delivers letters and parcels to people
sent from all over the place, and he makes people happy."
the teacher turns to little susan and is about to ask the same question as the
others, but susan suddenly bursts into tears. the teacher rushes over to console
her. "whets wrong susan?"
"my daddy is dead, miss" she replies.
"aww.... i didn't know that. i'm so sorry"
"it's ok" she choked out, through tears.
"so tell me susan, what did your father do before he died?"
"he s*** the bed and turned blue, miss"

The man enters a drugstore:

- Give me a pack of condoms.
- What size?
- I do not know...
- Well, take this board with holes, and go to the toilet and measure.
In 10 minutes the man comes back:
- I have changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"

What's the difference between Fanny Craddock and a cross-country run?

One's a "pant in the country"..........

If Tommy Cooper were alive today


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
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I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
--------------------------------
A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

A choice few of those just made the MSN rounds at work.

Same here. Silly but I love the turtle disaster one.

Confucius say,



“Man who stands on toilet is high on pot"



"Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient"



"man who run behind car get exhausted"..."man who run in front of car get tired"

very funny telly tubby joke i like that one a lot

always play country and western songs backwards
this way your dog comes back to life
your wheels stay on your wagon
and you cease to be an alcoholic.

good jokes

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

I made sure the missus didn't see me posting that one