Todays Joke

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The Wheelchair.


Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.


I was at a fundraiser last for a paraplegic charity.
I couldn't believe it, the DJ played Village People's YMCA.
Only half of them joined in.


I wish my girlfriend would pass me the remote control once in awhile. I'm fucking sick of having to watch CBeebies.


You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.


Anyone else find it ironic that despite all the news reports of British Forces not having the right equipment, Top Gear managed to secure plenty on Sunday nights episode.


When watching Michael Jackson's coffin being pushed away by the Jackson Brothers, was anybody else reminded of those two words...

.............Cool Runnings.


Should have seen the shit I had last night.
It was so big, Madonna tried to adopt it.


Statistically... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


And as I'm going for all out horribleness this morning heres a good email to send to your friends:


So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word I ty

That's exactly what I needed this morning, cheers ICHI.

Feckers were diggind up the road outside my place again last night and only finished a 5 this morning.

To continue on the Madonna theme.

Does her new child find it ironic that she's now wearing clothes that only two months ago she was making......

Excellent jokes ICHI

A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."
The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."
"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.
"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"
"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."
"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer. "Correct," replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Excellent I like that one, where do you get these from?

I make them all up out of my own brain!

(http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rude_jokes/shorts.html)

there are some quality jokes on there

Now you can tell people you make them up with your own brain too

yay

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a toothpick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp leaves.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".


I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.


Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.


A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"

"No, I couldn't find her head."


I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.


While looking for sick jokes I found loads of American sick jokes sites but either I don't get the humour or all their jokes are crap. I mean what ever happened on the 9th of November anyway

4 iraqi's die after their vauxhall zafira goes off a cliff. Police say this is a terrible tragedy as the zafira is capable of seating 7

I'm milking the muppets for merriment - c'mon folks, tell us yer funnies.

ROBAFET wrote:I'm milking the muppets for merriment - c'mon folks, tell us yer funnies.

I now have a very wrong imagine in my mind!

Subject: Cave

MEMORANDUM
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Quieda Fighters
Subject: The Cave

Hi guys.

We’ve all been putting in long hours recently but we’ve really come together as a group and I love that. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can’t forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns -

First of all, while it’s good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily, I’ve done my bit on the cleaning rota........ have you? I’ve posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it’s not often I make a video address but when I do, I’m trying to scare most of the world population, okay? That means that while we’re taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the "Wassup’thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote
"Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That’s all I’m saying.

Fourth: I’m not against team chanting and all that, but, we must distance ourselves from the Westerner’s bat and ball games...it’s just not cricket. Please do not chant "Ossy Ossy Ossy, Oy Oy Oy" every time I ride past on the donkey. Thanks

Five: Graffitti:Whoever wrote Ossie fucks donkeys! on the group toilet wall please clean it off...it’s a lie anyway, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens, is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse that the "chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain" will not be accepted in future. Bestiality with non halal chicken is forbidden...there is a grey area with donkeys however.

Finally, we’ve heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar,Hammed and Dave.

Love you lots, Group Hug.
Os.

PS - I’m sick of having Osama’s Bed Linen scribbled on my bed sheets -
Cut it out Abdul, it’s not funny anymore.

LOL

ha ha brilliant (dave) he he

A soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

You know it's a good rape when it turns into a munting.

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Just seen the NSPCC advert
' Charlottes uncle makes her do things shes too young to understand'
And all they want is £2 a month?

Should they really be paying him?

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I dont understand why women want to be equal when they could be better.
That shows a lack of ambition to me.

Which is why men are better.

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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

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What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

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What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country?

Sexy kids.

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I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

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When a man ejaculates, he comes at twenty miles per hour.
Which means it's perfectly safe to hit a child.

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So what if Jesus turned water into wine...I turned a whole student loan into Vodka once. Your move Jesus...

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A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

that is brilliant mate lol

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It’s a period" reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period."

"Buggered if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mummy fainted and the man next door shit himself."